Brevard County Bans Books That Might Make Kids Feel Human.

Hello again, from your ever-watchful, God-fearing Brevard County School Board.

We know some of you are upset about the headlines claiming we’ve “banned” books. But let’s set the record straight: we didn’t ban books. We buried them. Quietly. Strategically. For the children, of course. Because nothing says educational excellence like fear-driven illiteracy.

Let’s go through a few of the dangerous texts we’ve saved your children from:

• The Kite Runner — features themes of trauma, war, and (gasp) empathy. We can’t have students understanding Afghanistan beyond cable news.

• Beloved by Toni Morrison — too raw, too honest, too Black. We prefer our history with a little more white space.

• The Handmaid’s Tale — dystopian fiction that hits too close to home. Especially page 1.

• The Bluest Eye — apparently it’s a problem when young people question Eurocentric beauty standards.

• 13 Reasons Why — because if kids are feeling isolated, we’d rather they do it quietly, without a book validating their pain.

• All Boys Aren’t Blue — LGBTQ+ coming-of-age memoirs? Not in our libraries. Visibility leads to acceptance, and we just can’t have that.

• Gender Queer — the title alone gave us a nosebleed. We banned it before we even opened it. Literally judged the book by its cover.

It’s not that we hate reading. We just prefer it when the stories are straight, white, Christian, and end with a firm handshake. We want your kids to grow up informed, just not too informed. We want curiosity, but the kind that stops right before empathy.

We’ve heard the cries of outrage. The protests. The petitions. “You’re robbing our children of stories that reflect who they are,” they scream. And to that we say: exactly. A sanitized curriculum makes for a more obedient future.

So please, stop calling this censorship. This is moral pest control. We’re simply fumigating the library for dangerous ideas. And if your child comes home asking questions, just hand them a copy of Old Yeller and remind them that sometimes, you have to put things down for their own good.

Yours in anti-intellectualism,

The Brevard County School Board