Brevard School Board Justifies Ousting Melissa Calhoun for Basic Human Decency.

Dear Concerned Citizens (and those of you just here to be mad online),

We, the Brevard County School Board, would like to address the recent kerfuffle over the decision not to renew the contract of longtime English teacher Melissa Calhoun, who, for reasons still beyond our comprehension, dared to call a student by the name they asked to be called without first submitting the proper carbon-copy paperwork in triplicate, notarized in blood.

Let us be clear: this is not about gender identity. It’s about forms. Sweet, sacred forms. The backbone of any thriving bureaucracy. The student could have asked to be called "Captain Crunch," and we’d still need that permission slip, preferably faxed from a parent’s AOL account. Anything less threatens the very foundation of our paperwork-based civilization.

Yes, Melissa Calhoun was beloved by students. Yes, she taught for over 12 years. And yes, she committed the unspeakable crime of showing basic decency without the proper authorization from central command. But rules are rules. And when our priorities are stacked, student trust, teacher excellence, basic empathy, or mindless compliance with vague political mandates? We choose the last one. Every time.

Critics have suggested this decision sends a chilling message to LGBTQ+ students. We disagree. The only thing we’re chilling is morale, critical thinking, and public confidence in our ability to lead.

In conclusion, the Board stands firm in its values: control over compassion, forms over feelings, and dogma over development. If you don’t like it, please fill out Form 118-B (Disagreement Declaration) and submit it during our next meeting, public comments strictly limited to one minute and zero humanity.

Warmly but legally,The Brevard County School Board

“Where paperwork matters more than people.”